I have been walking around with this post in my head, vacillating between should I or shouldn’t I. But what the heck…here it goes
One of my favourite songs “I am not ready to make nice” by the Dixie Chicks. I feel like the song has been written to me, it really speaks to me. It. is. just. so. honest. So. Refreshing.
I like the message behind it, to me; it says that it is okay to be angry. Maybe it is just me, but I am forever being told that I should be grateful, that I am not allowed to become angry.
I am not trying to say, woe is little me and the world is against me, it is just that I would like to be angry for once, without being told that it is wrong.
Case in point: after the accident I was spitting mad, I thought it was a seriously effed-up thing to have happen, and for a split second (perhaps longer) there I turned my head to the sky and I thought, what the hell next, seriously? When is it going to be enough? (My mom pointed out that enough would be the day I died). I recall a conversation with a friend of mine afterwards where she kept on saying we were so lucky and it could have been worse etc etc. I remember telling her that I don’t exactly feel lucky (granted she did call right at that precarious time when my pain-killers induced euphoria were wearing thin but it was not quite yet time to take another). The. point. is. I was not allowed to be angry.
Why is that? I don’t mean that we should bear all our emotions all the time and throw temper-tantrums like 2 year olds (although sometimes it would be nice), I am talking about a free-pass every now and again. I quite like the idea of screaming at the top of your lungs to get it all out (bearing in mind that you do this at a suitable venue).
The Japanese for instance talk about “kami”.
“[A kami is] any thing or phenomenon that produces the emotions of fear and awe, with no distinction between good and evil“-Wikipedia
The idea (such as I understood it) is that kami can be translates into emotions, they believe that if bad kami builds up in your body it can cause you to become ill and even cause your death and that it is very important that you expel these bad kami’s in order to remain balanced, and this should get all the men’s attention, it was believed that this “expulsion”-if you would pardon the pun- was achieved through s.e.x.u.a.l i.n.t.e.r.c.o.u.r.s.e. (was easy for the men though, they had concubines, sometimes even several-no such thing as “I have a headache”).
The point I am trying to make, in between all this rambling, is that not expelling these bad kami’s we tend to bottle up other stuff too, and before you know it you are living completely in your own head, and we tend to miss the things around us.
Tonight I plan to go to the lake and scream like a banshee…anyone in?