Dont wallow

I know it is considered bad form to wallow and one should live in the present, but that being said, I cannot help feeling a bit sad, lonely and nostalgic on this day every year.

Today marks 18 years since my sister’s passing and not a day goes by where I do not wish that I could have one more chance to talk to her or that things did not end the way it did.  I replay our last conversation hairpulling-spitting-catfight and immediately feel my cheeks colour.

If I had known that would be our last conversation would I have told her I hated her?

I try and remember her, and feel panicky when I am unable to.  Another thing to add to my ‘list of things to feel guilty about’ along with every happy memory I have had subsequent, because she was not there.

I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one.  We somehow make everything our fault.  Does this realisation make me feel any less guilty? Not a chance.  It is sage advice if only I can get myself to follow it.

In an effort to get some of this guilt out of my system I decided to write her a letter and tell her all those things I have not been able to.

Dear Janetta,

Although I am very sure that you are happier where you are, we still miss you terribly, even more so every day.

I know that we are all shaped by our pasts and wonder who I would be had you not been taken away. I wonder if our family dynamic would be the same, better or worse.

How I long to be able to tease you about your boyfriends and your crush on Brian Adams, while I secretly also thought he was the hottest thing since sliced bread.  I never told you that, I know, but I am also a fan.  I am sorry for all the times we fought and especially for the last fight.  I never meant those hurtful things I said, and would take them back in an instant if I could.  I will even let you brush my hair, without whining.

It would have been so wonderful to have you at my wedding; it really seemed the whole time that something was missing.  I wanted to mention you as I have wanted to talk about you a thousand times to mom, dad and everyone else, but each time my tongue was stayed because I could remember the pain in her eyes when I had brought you up and I could not bear to rip off the scabs.

I know you would have wanted to be by my side, to dance the Macarena with me and my friends and imagine you going all gung-ho to try and catch the bouquet.

Then I think of the birth of my son and how you would have taken him in your arms and hugged him to you. You would have made such a great aunt. Something tells me you would have spoilt him rotten and I know that he would have just adored you.

And now there is another baby on the way and I find myself panicked because I want to try things another way and I long to have your support and guidance, to tell me that my reasoning is sound and I am not doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. What I would not give to have you hold my hand during the birth.

I know that none of that is possible, but would like you to know that even though you cannot be there, you always are.  You are with me every day and even though at times I find that I cannot remember everything about you, by no means are you forgotten.

All my love

Ellen

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Dont wallow

  1. OMG you have me in tears. You have every right to wallow on this or any day, as long as it is not all the time I suppose. No matter how much time goes past we always miss them – our loved ones. My daughter died 5 years ago and even though it is not as fresh, the pain will be there forever. That being said, you should maybe not underestimate your mom. It may be that she does not talk about your sister on special occasions because she does not want to cause you pain. She might actually want to talk about her. But everyone is different I suppose and you know her best.

    That is a beautiful letter.

    luv
    Vannessa

    PS: the blog about my daughter is not the one I keep now. It is http://www.kendrameiring.blogspot.com

  2. This is very very touching, very heartfelt. I don’t think it was wallowing. Cheers to you, for putting it out there.

  3. It’s my Granmas funeral today and I’m literally 15,000 odd k’s away and feeling quite wallow-y, which is actually called grieving and gee whiz it’s allowed lady, especially on anniversarys 🙂 Love your blog, going to sign up now …

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