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Heart friends

It has been a very emotional couple of months for me.  There has been drama at work, drama at home and all these little things that keep on piling up that make me want to crawl into a hole and never come out of it.  I have been retreating further and further to lick my wounds.  I try and smile and pretend that everything is okay, when really it couldn’t be further from the truth.

My whole life I have felt like an impostor, like I don’t belong.

I live in fear that I will be unmasked, to be shown to be the social leper that I really am and shunned for it.  It is probably due to some deep-seated self-esteem issues, but for the life of me I cannot think why anyone would want to spend time with me and I am deeply suspicious when they do, because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. <I sound coo-coo for coco-puffs right?>

I have a hand full of friends that somehow managed break through this layer of worthlessness and doubt that I have built around me, and in truth they were the ones that has kept me standing the past couple of months.  This post is dedicated to them, to thank them for being there, my silent crutches that swooped up and picked me up when I felt I could no longer continue. I truly love you all.

I was amazed that one of these friends, in her quiet manner, seemed to see right into heart of me.

Due to her personal circumstances she was not able to see me for my birthday and only managed to wish me a happy birthday yesterday.  She gave me the best gift I have ever received.  The gift itself was simple, a book on how generosity changes one’s life and a compact mirror, but the message behind it moved me to tears.

The book, she said reminded her of me, of how I care and try to help others.

The mirror was because I needed to be reminded  just how beautiful I am.

I sobbed like a baby.  It wasn’t pretty at all. There were snot bubbles.  It was just what I needed.

I am no good at speaking my mind that is why I write. So, without further ado:

Thank you M for being there, for listening, even though you are going through a trying time yourself and needed me more than I you. You are a true friend and made me realise that no matter how dark it gets out there, there are still people that bring light into our lives and it is on them that we can (and should) count. Thank you for shining and inspiring me to do the same. I ♥ you.

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Evil is amongst us

Every mother’s nightmare is having to hear that the school her child attends is no longer a place of safety, but has instead become the hunting ground for a predator (for they can no longer be called human).  One that preys on innocent kids for their own perverse pleasures.

There was a recent incident in Melkbos and now parents in Balfour are petitioning against the bail application of a 71 year old man that is the owner of a crèche whom it has been found has sexually assaulted two kids. Every day, more of these kids come forward.

I am heartbroken that a  friend is living this nightmare, her daughter came forward as another victim.  There are no words to convey her pain.

This is one subject that really riles me, and it is really sad that is seen as a taboo discussion topic.

The question that is foremost on everyone’s mind, did his wife, and co-owner of the crèche know about this?  And if she did why did she keep quiet and allow this to go on under her roof, with kids that were entrusted into her care?

I have often wondered about the psychology surrounding this.  Often when kids do come forward with these things they are not believed and that seems to perpetuate the cycle of not telling, as apparently happened in Balfour.

What is shocking is that in this year alone between January and June there has been 95,120 children who reported sexual abuse (Statistic from Children’s Advocacy Centre Statistics)

Of the 116,000 alleged offenders investigated for instances of child abuse

  • 75,829 were 18+ years old
  • 11,973 were ages 13 to 17 years
  • 7,911 were under age 13 years
  • 45,496 were a parent or step-parent of the victim
  • 23,763 were related to the child victim in another way
  • 36,628 were an unrelated person the victim knew

I think our natural defence against something like this is to pretend is doesn’t happen because it is just so terrible to acknowledge that a person that we know and love is capable of inflicting such harm on an innocent.

Although I was unable to find the statistic to give the exact numbers, I know that a very large part of the perpetrators were actually abused themselves as kids. I cannot imagine someone inflicting that particular kind of hell on someone else, especially when you have had to live through it yourself.

I am sorry, no matter what you have gone through, that is not reason enough to ruin the life of another, especially a child. No amount of jail time can make up for what has been stolen.

This is one wrong that cannot be righted, you cannot replace innocence.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and her family (especially her little girl) I hope that this too, shall pass.

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Something old, something new…

Today marks three years since we said I do.

To mark this memorable occasion the husband asks me this morning whether I expect him to remember what year we got married in.  Confused I asked him why? Oh he says,  prisoners with a life sentence don’t normally remember the year they were incarcerated in do they, they just know they got life.

Chivalry is dead. As a door nail.

None the less I dusted off the old album and got all nostalgic when looking at the photos.  It really was a wonderful day and the most fun I have ever had. Incarcerate me any day!