It has been a very emotional couple of months for me. There has been drama at work, drama at home and all these little things that keep on piling up that make me want to crawl into a hole and never come out of it. I have been retreating further and further to lick my wounds. I try and smile and pretend that everything is okay, when really it couldn’t be further from the truth.
My whole life I have felt like an impostor, like I don’t belong.
I live in fear that I will be unmasked, to be shown to be the social leper that I really am and shunned for it. It is probably due to some deep-seated self-esteem issues, but for the life of me I cannot think why anyone would want to spend time with me and I am deeply suspicious when they do, because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. <I sound coo-coo for coco-puffs right?>
I have a hand full of friends that somehow managed break through this layer of worthlessness and doubt that I have built around me, and in truth they were the ones that has kept me standing the past couple of months. This post is dedicated to them, to thank them for being there, my silent crutches that swooped up and picked me up when I felt I could no longer continue. I truly love you all.
I was amazed that one of these friends, in her quiet manner, seemed to see right into heart of me.
Due to her personal circumstances she was not able to see me for my birthday and only managed to wish me a happy birthday yesterday. She gave me the best gift I have ever received. The gift itself was simple, a book on how generosity changes one’s life and a compact mirror, but the message behind it moved me to tears.
The book, she said reminded her of me, of how I care and try to help others.
The mirror was because I needed to be reminded just how beautiful I am.
I sobbed like a baby. It wasn’t pretty at all. There were snot bubbles. It was just what I needed.
I am no good at speaking my mind that is why I write. So, without further ado:
Thank you M for being there, for listening, even though you are going through a trying time yourself and needed me more than I you. You are a true friend and made me realise that no matter how dark it gets out there, there are still people that bring light into our lives and it is on them that we can (and should) count. Thank you for shining and inspiring me to do the same. I ♥ you.