1

I am still alive…

I have been so bogged down with depression that I scarcely have any memory of the past couple of months post birth. I have gone in to hiding, only existing.

Breathing because I have to, looking after the kids because I have to and not doing much else except sleep. That I can manage. Lots and lots of sleep.

So off I went to my GP to get a prescription that is okay to use while breastfeeding, hoping that it will sort of drag me out of this quagmire, only to find that I have lost a month.  Seriously? A whole fecking month. Gone.

So it is back to the drawing board.

I have to decide what is more important.  My mental health or feeding my son?

I am really proud of the fact that I managed to get the breastfeeding thing right this time around.  It is my little life raft that makes me feel like I am not a complete failure as a mother. Call it my mantra if you will.  So now what?

I think I will go sleep on it.

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0

Heart friends

It has been a very emotional couple of months for me.  There has been drama at work, drama at home and all these little things that keep on piling up that make me want to crawl into a hole and never come out of it.  I have been retreating further and further to lick my wounds.  I try and smile and pretend that everything is okay, when really it couldn’t be further from the truth.

My whole life I have felt like an impostor, like I don’t belong.

I live in fear that I will be unmasked, to be shown to be the social leper that I really am and shunned for it.  It is probably due to some deep-seated self-esteem issues, but for the life of me I cannot think why anyone would want to spend time with me and I am deeply suspicious when they do, because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. <I sound coo-coo for coco-puffs right?>

I have a hand full of friends that somehow managed break through this layer of worthlessness and doubt that I have built around me, and in truth they were the ones that has kept me standing the past couple of months.  This post is dedicated to them, to thank them for being there, my silent crutches that swooped up and picked me up when I felt I could no longer continue. I truly love you all.

I was amazed that one of these friends, in her quiet manner, seemed to see right into heart of me.

Due to her personal circumstances she was not able to see me for my birthday and only managed to wish me a happy birthday yesterday.  She gave me the best gift I have ever received.  The gift itself was simple, a book on how generosity changes one’s life and a compact mirror, but the message behind it moved me to tears.

The book, she said reminded her of me, of how I care and try to help others.

The mirror was because I needed to be reminded  just how beautiful I am.

I sobbed like a baby.  It wasn’t pretty at all. There were snot bubbles.  It was just what I needed.

I am no good at speaking my mind that is why I write. So, without further ado:

Thank you M for being there, for listening, even though you are going through a trying time yourself and needed me more than I you. You are a true friend and made me realise that no matter how dark it gets out there, there are still people that bring light into our lives and it is on them that we can (and should) count. Thank you for shining and inspiring me to do the same. I ♥ you.

5

Evil is amongst us

Every mother’s nightmare is having to hear that the school her child attends is no longer a place of safety, but has instead become the hunting ground for a predator (for they can no longer be called human).  One that preys on innocent kids for their own perverse pleasures.

There was a recent incident in Melkbos and now parents in Balfour are petitioning against the bail application of a 71 year old man that is the owner of a crèche whom it has been found has sexually assaulted two kids. Every day, more of these kids come forward.

I am heartbroken that a  friend is living this nightmare, her daughter came forward as another victim.  There are no words to convey her pain.

This is one subject that really riles me, and it is really sad that is seen as a taboo discussion topic.

The question that is foremost on everyone’s mind, did his wife, and co-owner of the crèche know about this?  And if she did why did she keep quiet and allow this to go on under her roof, with kids that were entrusted into her care?

I have often wondered about the psychology surrounding this.  Often when kids do come forward with these things they are not believed and that seems to perpetuate the cycle of not telling, as apparently happened in Balfour.

What is shocking is that in this year alone between January and June there has been 95,120 children who reported sexual abuse (Statistic from Children’s Advocacy Centre Statistics)

Of the 116,000 alleged offenders investigated for instances of child abuse

  • 75,829 were 18+ years old
  • 11,973 were ages 13 to 17 years
  • 7,911 were under age 13 years
  • 45,496 were a parent or step-parent of the victim
  • 23,763 were related to the child victim in another way
  • 36,628 were an unrelated person the victim knew

I think our natural defence against something like this is to pretend is doesn’t happen because it is just so terrible to acknowledge that a person that we know and love is capable of inflicting such harm on an innocent.

Although I was unable to find the statistic to give the exact numbers, I know that a very large part of the perpetrators were actually abused themselves as kids. I cannot imagine someone inflicting that particular kind of hell on someone else, especially when you have had to live through it yourself.

I am sorry, no matter what you have gone through, that is not reason enough to ruin the life of another, especially a child. No amount of jail time can make up for what has been stolen.

This is one wrong that cannot be righted, you cannot replace innocence.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and her family (especially her little girl) I hope that this too, shall pass.

1

Letting my inner child out

I can lose my mind..but never my inner child.

A friend and I have our birthdays two days apart and have decided that in celebrating being a year older  we will succumb to the sparkly vampire fever that is Breaking Dawn and go and watch the premiere on Friday night. We booked the midnight show and because all good girls should by that time be in bed, we will be going in our PJ’s. With our Teddy bears.

Just for kicks we plan to go to our local spur before hand and harass the waiters to serenade us with the Hillbilly Rock (we may even dance along) and bring us free ice cream with sparklers on.

Who says getting older is a drag?

Watch this space for photgraphic evidence.

2

Revenge…

I have had a crapper of a week.  This is one for the history books. When things looked their most bleak, I got this from a friend, and it cheered me right up (thanks Ri).

 

 

 

STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See there, now I am all better.

 

 

7

Dont wallow

I know it is considered bad form to wallow and one should live in the present, but that being said, I cannot help feeling a bit sad, lonely and nostalgic on this day every year.

Today marks 18 years since my sister’s passing and not a day goes by where I do not wish that I could have one more chance to talk to her or that things did not end the way it did.  I replay our last conversation hairpulling-spitting-catfight and immediately feel my cheeks colour.

If I had known that would be our last conversation would I have told her I hated her?

I try and remember her, and feel panicky when I am unable to.  Another thing to add to my ‘list of things to feel guilty about’ along with every happy memory I have had subsequent, because she was not there.

I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one.  We somehow make everything our fault.  Does this realisation make me feel any less guilty? Not a chance.  It is sage advice if only I can get myself to follow it.

In an effort to get some of this guilt out of my system I decided to write her a letter and tell her all those things I have not been able to.

Dear Janetta,

Although I am very sure that you are happier where you are, we still miss you terribly, even more so every day.

I know that we are all shaped by our pasts and wonder who I would be had you not been taken away. I wonder if our family dynamic would be the same, better or worse.

How I long to be able to tease you about your boyfriends and your crush on Brian Adams, while I secretly also thought he was the hottest thing since sliced bread.  I never told you that, I know, but I am also a fan.  I am sorry for all the times we fought and especially for the last fight.  I never meant those hurtful things I said, and would take them back in an instant if I could.  I will even let you brush my hair, without whining.

It would have been so wonderful to have you at my wedding; it really seemed the whole time that something was missing.  I wanted to mention you as I have wanted to talk about you a thousand times to mom, dad and everyone else, but each time my tongue was stayed because I could remember the pain in her eyes when I had brought you up and I could not bear to rip off the scabs.

I know you would have wanted to be by my side, to dance the Macarena with me and my friends and imagine you going all gung-ho to try and catch the bouquet.

Then I think of the birth of my son and how you would have taken him in your arms and hugged him to you. You would have made such a great aunt. Something tells me you would have spoilt him rotten and I know that he would have just adored you.

And now there is another baby on the way and I find myself panicked because I want to try things another way and I long to have your support and guidance, to tell me that my reasoning is sound and I am not doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. What I would not give to have you hold my hand during the birth.

I know that none of that is possible, but would like you to know that even though you cannot be there, you always are.  You are with me every day and even though at times I find that I cannot remember everything about you, by no means are you forgotten.

All my love

Ellen