WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers.
The uncomfortably in-depth 900-page document, which outlines the benefits of clothed genital stimulation versus fully penetrative sex, reportedly baffled administration officials, who confirmed they generally associate the department with its role in managing natural resources and administering programs for Native Americans.
“I find this all extremely odd, to say the least,” said White House deputy chief of staff Nancy-Ann DeParle, thumbing through a large three-ring binder emblazoned with the department’s American bison seal. “Reducing teen STD and pregnancy rates is important, of course, but this falls so far outside Interior’s purview that…well, I don’t even know how to respond to this, to be quite honest.”
“How could they possibly have found the time or funding for an in-depth study of dry humping?” DeParle added. “I’m certain we didn’t commission this.”
A copy of the report obtained by members of the press reveals it to be a heavily researched work that begins with a heartfelt, dry-sex-positive foreword by Interior Secretary Ken Salazar. Also included is a detailed history of the practice, from the Victorian-era practice of frottage—meaning “to rub”—to the modern teen trend of freaking or “sandwich dancing,” whereby two partners interlock legs and grind their genitals together in rhythm with popular music.
“The pantomiming of intercourse prior to the onset of mature sexual relationships is a phenomenon one observes in many cultures,” reads one section of the report. “It’s natural for budding, aroused adolescents to explore erogenous-zone stimulation with a partner, and when it comes to achieving physical gratification without disrobing, teens have many options available to them. Young males will even find that ejaculation is not uncommon.”
Another section, credited to the department’s Office of Surface Mining Reclamation and Enforcement, ranks the best places to engage in dry humping using a statistical “dry-pleasure coefficient,” or DPE—a new metric the Department of the Interior developed solely for the report. The study indicates a soft couch in the finished basement of a mutual friend’s house has the highest-known DPE, making it the top location for fully clothed teens to vigorously mount each other.
The Interior Department, founded in 1849 to oversee federal land management, has never been responsible for dealing with adolescent sexuality in any official capacity.
“Comprehensiveness notwithstanding, it’s a little alarming that anyone over there knows this much about dry humping, whether anecdotally or through direct observation,” said White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer, referring to a section of the report that evaluates various ointments that can be used to treat chafed genitals following heavy friction. “For Christ’s sake, these people have 58 national parks to run.”
“And some of these studies go all the way back to 1995, so obviously they’ve been working on this for a while,” he continued. “By all outward indications, this looks to be a labor of love.”
Despite calling the report “unsettling” and “difficult to read for more than a few minutes at a time,” administration staffers acknowledged its conclusions were valid on the whole, and should be applauded for their objectivity and nonjudgmental tone. Sources said that aside from some of the more graphic and largely speculative sections on teen vibrator play contributed by the U.S. Geological Survey, much of the research might even be suitable for sex-education curricula.
Interior Department officials were summoned Wednesday afternoon to confirm authorship of the report, their first since a Jan. 6 brief on fluctuations in the seasonal wolf population of northern Wyoming.
“We’d be more than happy to further discuss any of our findings,” a department spokesman said. “All questions can be directed to Secretary Salazar’s office.”
“But I think we’ve made our point,” he added.
because the voices told me so 